In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
