You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
