You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
