Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
