just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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