I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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