I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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