I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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