you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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