weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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