Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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