So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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