This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
