Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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