I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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