First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
