Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
