Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
