Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
