Swine flu is the new snow day.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
