I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
