she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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