Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
