i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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