I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
