Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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