one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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