Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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