i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
