the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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