The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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