I will die if light touches me.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
