dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize