i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
