i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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