I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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