The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
