smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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