I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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