Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
