Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I pour the whiskey from now on
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
