how can u be prego again
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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