She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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