I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
