I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just got carded by a ten year old.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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