I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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