Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
