How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
40s are totally the cure
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
