epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
