sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
