I'm passing your future prison.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize