I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
