he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
