At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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