I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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