I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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