why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
