we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
