I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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