one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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