I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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