last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my sisters under your porch take her home
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
