My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
