Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
